


The Journal

by OriginofChaos



Category: Smosh
Genre: Depression, M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-31 00:42:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3958030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginofChaos/pseuds/OriginofChaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was asked to continue this story, so here's part two. I'm pretty sure I've spoilt everything, so if you don't like it, just pretend that this part doesn't exist :)</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1.

This is just a stream of my thoughts. I don't actually know why I'm writing this, I just feel need to write something. This is like an itching in your fingers, it forces me to write. I don't really know how long it's going to last, but still...

Right now I'm suffering from depression. Nobody knows about it. They don't need to know, I should be the one who always smiles and cracking jokes. So I think the thoughts here would be depressing too. Just to keep the mood. There are a lot of reasons why I'm depressed. I broke up with my girlfriend, Melanie. She was great, and the 7 years of our relationship were perfect. But everything is ending. She found out somehow the other reason for my depression (I'll write about it later). We are friends now and I'm actually glad we are because she's really nice girl. But she's not the one.

 

2.

My other reason of my depression is... I love Anthony.

I love him. I live him. I love him...

I feel like I'm gay. Am I? I don't really know who I am. But now it doesn't matter. He matters.

He matters.

And there's the question: how the fuck I fell in love with my best friend?! And why... Maybe I've read too much fanfiction about us... But it can't affect on my feelings towards my friend...

I don't want to love him. I want to be his best friend, but not his lover. Just because he doesn't love me.

I feel like I am in some kind of a shitty fanfic. What if he loves me too but too afraid of confess it to me?... No. We are best friends. That's cool, but... I want more. I want him. I need him. I love him... But I don't want to love him. And that's killing me.

Maybe I am really a character in some creepy fanfic. Just because my life is too surreal and these strange feelings shouldn't exist...

And maybe I don't exist at all. And I'm not real.

 

3.

I have awful thoughts I shouldn't have.

I begin to think that my life is a big waste of time, space and oxygen. That I'm useless. That I'll never be loved by anyone, let alone the man I love. I don't even know why I'm still alive.

All I can do is just exist. Not live, but exist. Pretending like everything is all right.

I fucking hate myself. But no one is sorry for me. No one knows about that.

I just want to be fixed. To be loved. To feel no pain, not any more. But anyone who'd tried to do that had broken me even more than I did before.

I must get rid of these thoughts somehow, before I believe that all of this is true. But I don't know how.

 

4.

I guess I understood why people take up drugs. I mean... I think I want to find a local dealer and buy some. Because I'm fucking sick and tired. I just want to be tripped. I want to go away from this fucked up world. I want to forget about everything without any hangover on the next morning. I just want to make myself happy for a little. If my life couldn't do that, maybe drugs can. Or at least alcohol.

I feel like I'm all alone. But I still want to go far, far away. Forever. Begin a new life maybe. The problem is that I can't leave my best friends. Although it seems to me sometimes that they've already left me or just on the way.

I think I've never been as depressed as now. Maybe memories about previous depressions faded so this one seems to me the worst one. However, I've never wanted to take up drugs. What has changed? Maybe I've changed... I left my rules and ideals behind and left broken and stunned. And I'm afraid of the future. I'm scared for real. What if it only gets worse and worse so eventually I'll commit suicide? I don't actually want to do that. But the further it goes, the more I'm convinced that this is the only way. If it is so, for what all my life and being is worth?

I'm lost. That's for sure.

 

5.

Since I confessed my feelings here, I started to have even more daydreams about him. And this is really disturbing. I dream about him kissing me, touching me, looking into my eyes... And... well... having sex with me... The last one is the most disturbing, but pleasurable though. Actually, (there's no one to read this, so screw keeping the secrets inside my mind) I've jerked off one day thinking of him. Actually, I did it twice. And both times I nearly fainted during climax. And I gonna admit – it was amazing, nearly as never before. Oh my word, I'm so screwed up.

Okay, anyway... I should stop. He will never love me. I must shove off my feelings but they grow instead. I can't stand it.

 

6.

I want to fall asleep and never ever wake up. But I don't want to die. Death means the end of everything, but I don't want to lose everything. I want to lose some parts of my being. I want to erase my pain, my troubles, my worries, my spleen, my depression, my love, everything that prevents me from living normal life.

I thought (and still think sometimes) that it'd be cool to become a cyberman. Yeah, like those silver guys from Doctor Who. They were enemies, but... They had one advantage which is also disadvantage – they don't have emotions. At all. When they transforming a man into cyberman, they delete their emotions. I think, memory too, because it creates emotions too. You're not a man anymore, but it's easier to live. A stronger man, in a manner of speaking, but it's actually harder to live like that.

 

7.

I guess I realised what I need. I need some time for myself. I need to be all alone for a couple of weeks. I want to be surrounded by walls. Just me, empty room with bed and internet for a couple of weeks. No crew, no friends, no Anthony.

I never was all alone for a long time. Every time there is someone known or unknown within 2-3 metres from me. I'm so sick of it. I need time for myself. And I don't want to be interrupted by some trash talk or even the presence of someone. I need my space. My huge uninterrupted space. Why couldn't it just happen? Just for a week at least. It can help me with my mental state a lot, it can make me happy.

 

8.

I don't know if it's good to write here as rarely as I do. I don't even remember when I wrote all these entries. I didn't write a date for some reason which I don't remember, because I started it 3 freaking months ago.

But I'm glad I started this. I'm not depressed any more. All bad thoughts weren’t lingering in my head and were spilled here shortly after they appeared. But I think I won't write here anymore.

First of all, as I said, I'm not depressed. I'm the man I always knew, not the bad copy of him.

Second of all, since I confessed my love for Anthony, I started to love him even more than I did. I can't stand it anymore. I can't not looking at him, I can't stop thinking of him, I can't stop smiling when I see him. I don't want to feel my heart breaking. So I should stop. It doesn't work like it did with my depression. It's more complicated and fucked up.

So, I guess, that's it.

So long and good bye.

 

***

 

“Wh... Where did you get this?!” Ian yelled when he saw Anthony reading a little notebook with leather cover. Anthony didn't reply. “Haven't you ever told that you shouldn't take another man's things?”

“I... Found it...” Anthony mumbled, still reading.

“And you thought that it'd be a great idea if you read it?” Ian ripped the notebook out of Anthony's hands.

“Ian... Is all of this... true?” Anthony asked quietly.

“Yes. And you weren't supposed to know it,” Ian snapped. “But I'm glad I've got no secrets from you. Maybe.”

“Yeah...” Anthony whispered. “So you love me?”

Ian turned away and crossed his arms. He didn't want to answer this question.

“You do...” Anthony whispered after a long pause.

“I'm sorry,” Ian breathed out.

“You don't have to.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked to continue this story, so here's part two. I'm pretty sure I've spoilt everything, so if you don't like it, just pretend that this part doesn't exist :)

9\.   
Nope. I'm here again. And this book is in safer place.  
So, Anthony found it. Now he knows everything. Well, great. But I know nothing! And I have no fucking idea what should I do. And I don't even know how to behave myself near him. It was really simple before – just smile, crack jokes and don't look in his eyes. But what now? I already feel the tension between us, despite he is far away from me. I don't know how to refer to him, what I should say to him, I know fucking nothing!  
And the whole conversation was pretty strange. When he found out about my feelings towards him, I said I was sorry. And all he said in return was “You don't have to”. And then he left. What the hell was that? How should I get what did he mean by that? “You don't have to because I love you too”? “You don't have to, it's not your fault, but let's be friends as we were”? “You don't have to because it doesn't matter now since I'm leaving you with your stupid feelings”? What?  
And one more thing – how did he find it if the journal was in my apartment all the time? That's something strange in it.

10.

He acts like nothing happened. I thought it'd be the best, but it driving me mad for some reason. He could tell me about that. But no, he preferred to keep silent.  
I started avoiding him. I try to avoid him every time we're not forced to be together. I force myself not to think about him in any key. I even stopped calling and texting him as I used to do. But it seems like it doesn't affect on him at all. He acts like everything is perfect and absolutely normal. We both know it isn't.  
I think our friendship is falling apart. And there's no one to blame but me.

11\.   
I don't want my depression to come back.

12\.   
Our fans think we got closer since we both became single. If only they know the truth... But I guess I know how they would react. Actually, I had a thought the other day to come out of the closet. But then I thought that it's the stupidest idea I've come up with. I mean, seriously, first of all, I'd look like an idiot, and second of all, this would be the end of our friendship.

13\.   
Dear Anthony Padilla,   
I hate you. I hate you so much. “I love apple juice and I love you” is not even close to the thing I said! Not at freaking all. Why are you doing this to me? It actually hurts, you know. What am I talking about, how could you know about that.  
I wasn't any better either, actually. What I was thinking about when I said “I wanna think about you”? Let alone this “sex tonight” thing. Why am I so obvious?

***

Ian took his notebook to write another note in it when he noticed that something was wrong. There was an envelope in it with Anthony's handwriting on it saying “Read this”.   
“How on the Earth did he find this again?!” he growled and opened an envelope. There were a few sheets of paper with some notes written by Anthony and a sticker.  
'When you read all of this, call me, please.”  
Ian sighed and started reading.

***

“Dear diary,   
There's one thing I need to confess. The thing is that I think I'm in love with my best friend. I'm not allowed to feel this towards him for a bunch of reasons. First of all, we're both men. Straight men. It's kind of, I don't know, strange for me, to love another man, not a woman. Second of all, this is my best friend. Best friends are supposed to be best friends, without any other kind of attraction. Third of all, these feelings are doomed to be one-sided. There's no way possible for Ian to love me back. He's seeing a girl, Melanie, and they're totally in love with each other, I can tell. Yes, I'm engaged with Kalel, but, I don't know, I feel like the spark has gone. I don't feel anything when I kiss her, and I think she doesn't feel it too. That is so wrong in so many ways. But I'm not sure that the way I feel towards Ian is actually love. Maybe this is just sort of friendship. Anyway, I've read somewhere that seeing best friend in erotic dreams doesn't mean anything. It's reassuring me.”

“Dear diary,   
Ian and Melanie broke up. It was like a bolt from the blue. I didn't think it's possible for them to lose each other. I don't know the reasons, I didn't ask him. I don't want to hurt him even more. He tries to act that he's all right because their break-up was mutual and so on, but I can tell that he's depressed. I don't know why he's trying to hide it from me. We know each other for the eternity. It's really breaking my heart, I can't see him suffering. I do my best to relief his pain but I think it's not enough for him.”

“Dear diary,   
It's becoming unbearable. At some point I started to imagine Ian when I kiss Kalel. Does it mean that I'm going crazy? I hope it doesn't. But if I start to imagine Ian instead of Kalel during sex then yes, I'll be officially mad. Still, I don't think it's going to happen. We barely have sex lately. I'm sure that the spark has gone now.”

“Dear diary,   
That's it. I'm single now. Yes, it was going to happen, but I feel... Empty. Lost. A little dead inside. I don't know what to do now. I'm free, but this freedom disorientates me. When Kalel and I were together, I knew where my life led me, but now... Now I feel like I'm falling into abyss. All I want to do is just lie and cry my heart out until there's no tears and voice left.”

“Dear diary,   
I'm starting to think that I am in love with Ian. Back then I had romantic and erotic dreams with him but now it started to be beyond my dreams. I like when he smiles, he looks so adorable when he does that. I like looking in his eyes. They're like an ocean – blue, calm, deep, but there's so much pain and sadness in them... I like his deep voice, smooth gestures... I really, really hope that it isn't love.”

“Dear diary,   
Some time ago I saw Ian writing something in the notebook and now I finally got it. The worst part in it that he found me reading it. That was awkward.  
First of all, he caught me reading it when we were shooting which is obviously far away from his apartment. So I couldn't say anything better that “I just found it.” Well done, Anthony, you're the best liar of all time.  
Second of all, I found out that he loves me. I mean, he really loves me. I don't know how long he does, he didn't write about that. And I don't know what to do. I was scared. I am scared now. I don't know if I love him or not. I'm afraid of breaking his heart, but it seems to me that I've already have. I don't know what I want more – to be friends with him or to upgrade our friendship into something more. My brain is about to blow up.”

***

Ian laid sheets of paper near him and took his phone to text Anthony.   
“This conversation is not for phone. Come around ASAP.”  
The waiting was nearly killing. Ian was very nervous. He couldn't see Anthony but he needed to. His heart was racing. He wished he had any alcohol in his apartment to relax his nerves. 20 minutes felt like eternity and finally he heard someone knocking in his door. When he opened it, he saw Anthony. He was soaked to the bones because of pouring rain outside.   
“So... You've read it?” Anthony asked without saying hello and came in.   
“Yes. Why didn't you tell me this back then when you found my journal?” Ian went to the kitchen and turned the kettle on. Anthony sat on the table there.   
“I was really scared. The thing I said was the best I could come up with.”  
“This was your shittiest idea. I hated you so much since then. And your guess on the last Whisper challenge were the last drop.”  
“I'm sorry,” Anthony whispered. “I... I didn't know what I was thinking about.”  
“No shit,” Ian snapped. “Do you know what you are thinking now?”  
“Yes. I think I love you.”  
Ian dropped a cup on the floor. It shattered into fragments, but he didn't bother about it.   
“You what?”  
“I love you.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“As hell.”  
Ian felt his heart missed a beat. He stood speechless and stunned. He couldn't believe his ears. Anthony slowly stood up and came to him. Ian couldn't do anything but watch him. Anthony came closer, trying to avoid the shattered cup and looked into Ian's eyes. A moment later Ian and Anthony were kissing. No one knew who started this, but it didn't matter.   
“You are so wet,” Ian smiled, breaking the kiss. “You need to change and drink something hot.”  
“Later,” Anthony murmured in Ian's lips. “Don't ruin the moment.”


End file.
